From this Thanksgiving to last Thanksgiving I feel like SO much as changed in my soul and in my values. I have learned for the first time in my life to truly trust God. This year I have SO much to be thankful for but I really want to focus on my nieces. I feel like God has taught me so much through them.

1. They show unconditional love. My nieces have no idea of status, cool or not cool, mistakes I’ve made, my shortcomings. They just see me as Kelley and they love me. I really believe that’s how God sees me. 1 Samuel 16:7 says “Don’t judge by his appearance or height…The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” I feel that’s how they really see me. For once I am not being judged on performance or outward appearance but by my heart.

2. They really enjoy me. The other day we went to get ice cream and Bella was so excited as she saw me walking through the parking lot…she waited on the edge of the sidewalk. That’s the same way God is. Psalm 37:23 says, “He (God) delights in every detail of their lives.” That still blows me away that the one who created me and other billions of people and everything in the world delights in EVERY detail of my life. I don’t even think I have that much excitement in my own details

3. God speaks to me through them. So for Christmas my mom is getting everyone Sea World passes. I said to Bella, “Momsey (what she calls my mom) is going to take you some place you’ve always wanted to go.” Bella said, “Publix?” That reminded me that God wants infinitely more for me than I can every imagine. Sometimes He tells me to walk away from something or not to do something and I think BUT I WANT IT SO BAD!!!! And God tells me, “But I want SO MUCH better for you.” I think Publix is great but He wants to take me to Sea World

1 Corinthians 2: 9 says, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.” That just blows me away!!! I can’t even imagine what God has prepared for me.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for new friends, my connect group, my family, my counselor, my best friend, for life changes and lessons and I am grateful that God shows His character to me through 2 of the sweetest girls ever! I love you Squirt and Hobbit

One thing I’ve never really had to do was say goodbye to a person. I met a friend that I had a deep connection with. I trusted this person too soon. I ran my life like the old Kelley. I was not good enough and this person was amazing. I found the saying If something seems to good to be true it probably is-very true. There were so many things at play…my need to be validated, my broken self-esteem, my need to put all my “stuff” out there right away so I can be either accepted or rejected. As you can probably predict this person turned out to have lied to me about some major stuff…then there was manipulation…it was my fault for the lies…throwing my past in my face…of course I believed it for a second. Not soon after came “the meltdown” where several things in my world came crashing down. It was one of my lines in my life that I talked about here. It’s funny that during all of that time this person was no where to be found. I was fortunate to have lots of other amazing people to support me that weren’t scared away. That’s when my eyes were opened. This person wasn’t around because I wasn’t feeding into the lies anymore.

I’ve learned such an important lesson from this “friendship”…first I need to listen to the advice of those people who love me and I need to listen to that voice in my head but I also learned that it’s okay to say goodbye. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to those people who are not healthy for us. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t being a good friend…remember you have to put the life mask on yourself first. If someone is going to hurt me, manipulate me or throw my past in my face I don’t need that kind of person in my life. Once I gained that principal it was tested again and again in my life.

I’ve talked so much about how thankful I am for the friends who were there to push but not judge, to encourage and not push me down. I’ve really learned what it means to be strong(through Christ) even though I am really weak. My Monday night friends loved how I would find modern songs to go along with our journey. I miss you girls…this song is for you…don’t be afraid to say goodbye to those people or things that bring you down…it will only make you STRONGER!!!!

A lot of things were made clear to me…who my true friends are…what do I really value…where am I going with my life. When people say,  “It was the best of times it was the worst of times” I really know what that means. I came face to face with a lot of realities about me and about my life. I became a lot closer to a lot of really awesome people. Yeah there were bad sides and it wasn’t pleasant but it was life defining.

I am so grateful for this summer, for the really dark moments, for my friends who weren’t afraid to love me in my mess.  I am grateful than no matter what I do all God ever gives me is grace. It’s a relationship like no other. Things are a lot better now and I really have a clearer vision of who I am and the person God is making me.

This is one of my favorite songs from Summit and reGroup…I connect to this song so much. It’s like my biography in a song. “A second chance is just a start” and yet God doesn’t get angry He knows if I am going to fail 39 times than in 37 times I see his point of view…that’s grace.I like this version because it was recorded down the street from my house

The other day I saw this beat up truck driving down the road and it had spray painted on it God is love. So many things struck me as so true.

*Even though we might be beat up and run down like the truck God loves us and wants to give us rest.

Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

*Once again I was reminded there’s nothing you can do to make God love you more or less. This truck could get a new paint job and remove all of the garbage but it’s still an old truck and that’s okay. It’s not about getting good enough for God…it’s about letting God work through me.

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this verse because it’s all about how God can work through me even though I am weak and the more I acknowledge my weaknesses the better he works through me.

*Probably the most important thing I was reminded is we all have baggage. I have been reminded so many times how we all have “stuff”. And I am really okay with that now.  I used to hate all of the stuff I had been through…all of my baggage, my vulnerabilities, and my weaknesses but now I firmly believe this verse:

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God

God has truly brought light into the dark places of my life and he is showing me how to use them for good.

So this truck might look like garbage and honestly I wouldn’t want it But there is so much beauty in the things it reminds of.

Then, came the dark days and I stopped exercising and ate nothing but junk. And in the end I gained all of it back. UGH! At the state I was in then mentally I had other things I needed to work on. I’m in a MUCH better place mentally, but I kinda put the losing weight thing in the back of my mind. I failed once and I didn’t want to fail again.

Then, a good friend said to me, “You did it once…don’t worry you’ll do it again.” The final straw for me was when someone reminded me of this quote from the Shack…”And let’s say that I know it will take you 47 situations and events before you actually hear me-that is, before you will hear clearly enough to agree with me and change. So when you don’t hear me the first time I am not frustrated or disappointed, I’m thrilled. Only 46 more times to go. And that first time will be a building block to construct that bridge of healing that one day you will walk across“

That quote means so much to me…it’s about never giving up…not being disappointed in failure…seeing failure as a building block. Yeah, so it sucks that I gained the weight back but that’s okay…like my friend says I can do it again.

So this week I decided to work really hard and I have so much energy and am feeling a lot better. For me it’s not about being skinny again…but getting a STRONG body that matches my new confidence. I’ve always been weak emotionally and physically. Now that I’m getting stronger emotionally I want to be strong physically. A new fit Kelley is on the way!!!!

Here are some of my favorite inspirations from Pinterest:

There is NOTHING you can do to make God love you MORE
There is NOTHING you can do to make God love youLESS

Do you realize how powerful that statement is??? God loves you fully as you are right now in this moment. When I considered all that I had done that was so powerful. I still really struggle with that statement and “being good enough” but there has been change.

It’s about me realizing where I belong and where I get my worth from. If the God of the universe LOVES me infinitely then I need to show some self-respect. I don’t have to try to be “good enough” or please others because I already am good enough. Through Jesus I have been made whole again.

I’ve found this new Kelley and this new worth. The place where I belong is with God…seeking after Him and if people don’t like it that’s okay. I’m okay with letting people go who want me to sacrifice who I am to fulfill something in them. This is Kelley and I’m not compromising myself anymore to please others.

I discovered this song yesterday and it impacted me in a HUGE way…I still struggle with a lot of things…I am on a journey that probably last until I die…but daily I am surrendering my need to please and be loved by others…Where I belong is with Jesus…I am filled by Him not by others <3

How Beautiful when humble hearts give
The fruit of pure love so that others may live
How beautiful, how beautiful, how beautiful is the body of Christ

I thought back on my healing journey. A journey I am still taking. I thought of the people who have given so much to me. Given their time to listen to me. Giving me love, when I had nothing to give back. Supporting me when I was a shell of a person. Never judging me because of all of my struggles and always encouraging me. True friends that stood by me when I was at my worst. Their love is so beautiful. Christ’s love flowed through them and gave me new life.

I still have a long way to go. But because of them tonight I made up my mind. I have been struggling with some hard stuff. A lot of the struggles that I have are because I devoted myself to something else.

Addiction is an an attempt to escape sorrow and remake my world so my desires are satisfied. -The Last Addiction

Isaac said something true…you can’t serve two masters. Often people use that to talk about money. But it’s true in anything. I can’t serve two masters. The love of my friends has brought me to this place…this place where I say from now on I’m going to serve God totally.

I owe so much to so many people who continue to love me through my brokenness. Their love is the love of Christ in this world. And I am so humble and amazed to be a recipient of such amazing love. There are times when this journey feels like such chaos but I have felt the love of Christ and I am surrendering to Him. He has brought me this far and He can take me even further.

So thank you, thank you to T.R., H.G., S.G., T.K., S.M., N.W., K.R. for supporting me during this journey and always believing in me and God’s plan for me.

My sister has given me some of the greatest gifts in life. She has shown me unconditional love. That she’ll always be there for me and support me, even if we haven’t been the closest. She’s given me 2 girls that I love more than anything. At the same time, she’s not afraid to call me out and set me straight. She’s someone who is an awesome reflection of Jesus…compassionate, caring, and corrective when needed.

Here are two awesome quotes that define our relationship:

She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she’s the reason you wish you were an only child. ~Barbara Alpert

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there. ~Amy Li

So today I want to say Happy Birthday and I love you to an awesome sister I am so blessed by you

This all came to a head this summer. This summer has been one of the hardest times in my life. I have truly been walking in the desert. There were times when I didn't know if there was really hope. I was stripped of almost everything and really forced to deal with some of my hardest issues. It was me and God on the mat…wrestling, fighting and ultimately Him winning my soul and me learning for the first time what it means to cry out to God. There was a lot of despair and a lot of heartache. But at the same time I have never felt so much joy…I am so glad that I came to this desert. It was what I needed and I was able to walk through it thanks to some amazing people who stood by my side and encouraged me. I learned who I am…I learned confidence and I learned that with God on my side I have nothing to fear. I am so grateful for this summer…so grateful for this desert…it's been amazing and I hope I never have to go back but I have been transformed and it couldn't have happened without the desert.

God's still working in me…I'm still in process but I'm excited for the next stage of my life…with my new transition I'm unveiling one of my last reGroup projects:

And leaving you with some of my favorite lyrics…I finally feel like I’m at this place

“‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.”
-You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

Do I really want change? Yes I do. There’s somethings I need to sit with this week…It’s not that God has wronged me…it’s that I’ve wronged him…we sing this song at church “we have not loved you as we should…the things have earth have filled our hearts” Really examining the things that fill my hearts these attachments…recognizing them is not enough…I need to get to the roots of them.

Someone who has been through the process said, “We heal not by trying to fix ourselves but by making space for God” Really making space for God and not worrying about fixing myself…God will heal me. It’s dangerous to think that grace can come out of me. The only change that comes from me is change that is born from God’s grace and mercy working in me.

Then, ultimately it’s about trust…this four letter word. Trusting God. God is not giving me burdens. He is saying to me, “You are worthy as you are. Any cross that you bear is lighter than the load I bore for you.” He will never abandon me. He will finish the good work he started in me. In school, we are reading stories of courage. In multiple stories they talk about how when people are scared they repeat “I am brave” and they become brave. There’s truth in that…when I am feeling like God is untrustworthy and I don’t understand what is going on I need to repeat…He will never abandon me…He will finish this good work.

I didn’t want to go tonight. I am exhausted and stressed by so many things, but I feel like it was a real turning point. And I am so grateful for people who don’t let me be surfacey and who really question what am I doing.

There is hope. I think of all of the lizards that I have killed and think of all that God has done in me already and I think of how when Joshua defeated one army he said to the people:

” Don’t ever be afraid or discouraged,” Joshua told his men.
“Be strong and courageous, for the Lord is going to do this to all of your enemies”

I can’t get discouraged because I’ve come to the hard parts…God will see me through.

This song was that my friends in college called our 9/11 song. We were all stuck in this moment of unbelief and our worlds were changed. I feel like right now it is so appropriate for me life. I’m stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it…that’s right I can’t but God can.