Called out…
So almost a month ago I posted about being stuck. I talked about how I wanted to kill this lizard…this problem that I have. Tonight I was called out…do you really? Because really Kelley your words are saying one thing and your face another. It comes down to who is really in control of my life. To be completely honest I’ve never let God completely control my life. To completely surrender to someone outside of myself seems impossible. People let me down. And I’ve put God on the same level as those people. I’ve gotten angry and screamed at Him because I am petulant child and He didn’t give me what I want. I feel he let me down because things didn’t happen in my time. I agreed with Job when he said, “But it is God who has wronged me, capturing me in his net.”
Do I really want change? Yes I do. There’s somethings I need to sit with this week…It’s not that God has wronged me…it’s that I’ve wronged him…we sing this song at church “we have not loved you as we should…the things have earth have filled our hearts” Really examining the things that fill my hearts these attachments…recognizing them is not enough…I need to get to the roots of them.
Someone who has been through the process said, “We heal not by trying to fix ourselves but by making space for God” Really making space for God and not worrying about fixing myself…God will heal me. It’s dangerous to think that grace can come out of me. The only change that comes from me is change that is born from God’s grace and mercy working in me.
Then, ultimately it’s about trust…this four letter word. Trusting God. God is not giving me burdens. He is saying to me, “You are worthy as you are. Any cross that you bear is lighter than the load I bore for you.” He will never abandon me. He will finish the good work he started in me. In school, we are reading stories of courage. In multiple stories they talk about how when people are scared they repeat “I am brave” and they become brave. There’s truth in that…when I am feeling like God is untrustworthy and I don’t understand what is going on I need to repeat…He will never abandon me…He will finish this good work.
I didn’t want to go tonight. I am exhausted and stressed by so many things, but I feel like it was a real turning point. And I am so grateful for people who don’t let me be surfacey and who really question what am I doing.
There is hope. I think of all of the lizards that I have killed and think of all that God has done in me already and I think of how when Joshua defeated one army he said to the people:
” Don’t ever be afraid or discouraged,” Joshua told his men.
“Be strong and courageous, for the Lord is going to do this to all of your enemies”
I can’t get discouraged because I’ve come to the hard parts…God will see me through.
This song was that my friends in college called our 9/11 song. We were all stuck in this moment of unbelief and our worlds were changed. I feel like right now it is so appropriate for me life. I’m stuck in a moment and I can’t get out of it…that’s right I can’t but God can.
